Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Crying tears

A slow love song plays all around me while i sit here in silence and slowly cry. Tears of what I dont know. Anger? Hatred? Confusion? I pratically ran to lover boys from home after sneaking out while my mom continued to sew the bridesmaids dresses. Just knowing that my family doesnt want me to spend time with lover boy until we're married because they are jealous hurt me deep inside. Can i do it? Can i survive at home and be happy for 32 more days?
I had gone upstairs to talk to mom again while she sewed the dresses. She starts yackin at me about how i shoudlnt be with lover boy anymore till we are married because my family at home misses me. Ya i see the point but i dont understand it. When i was at home no one payed any attention to me. I was ignored constantly. Everyone else was doin there own thing-homework, reading, gamecube-and i was left to be bored in my room with nothing to do. I thought i was doing everyone a favour by leaving and spending my time here at lover boys. This is where I learn that no one can be happy because now im wanted back. Even during the day i am supposed to stay home because mom might want to do something with me all of a sudden. Like when did that happen? The last thing i remember is always asking her if she wanted to go to the mall to hang out or something when her response was no because she was watching tv, or she had a haircut to do in 2 hours, or she had to drive bus in 3. My sisters are at school and where did that leave me? In my room reading, unhappy and feeling left out. Excluded. Again. All my life i have felt unhappy and excluded and when im at lover boys i dont feel that. I feel like im actually wanted, like there is actually a place for me here. I feel happy and i havnt been able to just sit down, read a book and feel truly happy in a long time. And it feels good. It feels great. And i know exactly what is going to happen when i do spend time at home again; everyone is going to do their regular activities-homework, reading, gamecube, at supper ill be ignored again-and where will that leave me? Laying in my bed staring at the ceiling wondering why i caved in and let mom control my life once again. Hating myself because i cant find the nerve to just talk to her knowing why at the exact same time.
The tears have mostly gone now as i sit here still alone but the pain and hurt and confusion still lies within. The thought of what to do next complexes me. Should i stay here till i need to go to work than go home for supper? or should i take my books and mp3 player and the rest of my stuff and leave to go home, where im supposededy needed? Just thinking of the stress that has been put upon me-to obey my mother and let her control me, or stand up for myself like lover boy is teaching me, plus sypmtoms of PMS-all makes me feel so sick that i could puke. My heart is saying dont leave because the essence of lover boy lingers in the air and i can feel the love thats within this home. I dont want to leave it behind for a month-would you?

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