Thursday, June 15, 2006

Falling Apart

29 days. And counting,praying that miracously the heavens will open up and make the days zoom by and hoping that my heart soul and insides dont crumble so much that i do something drastic. I keep telling myself that i can do it, i can withstand my mother. 29 days till i can see freedom, where i can live a life of happiness, where i can voice my opionion and not be scared of the response. Where whatever i do i wont be controled like some people seem to think.
"Where are you going?" my mother asks me as shes doing a clients hair in the kitchen
"To 'Lover boys'. Is that a problem?"I snap back with some attitude suprising myself
"Chillax ok? I realize that you're 19 and you can make your own decisions but there is something I would like to talk to you about"
"If you can fit me into your schedule that would be wonderful" she cuts me off with.
"Ya, fine, Ill be here tonight"
"You're not with 'lover boy?"
"No. You want me here" i snap back
"Well, Im just worried that he's going to control you're life and you are going to be miserable..."yada yada yada, and then she begins. She starts giving me the speech right there in the hallway with her client in the kitchen so she can hear everything, just to make mom look like a good mother. HA! good mother my butt! UGH. She went on about how lover boy is supposedly controling my life, liek she can even talk. my step dad controls mom like a freakin reatred puppy on a 1 inch leash!!Give me a break mother ok?
Needless to say i got mad, upset, sad, and i ran out, slamming the door behind me. I cried all the way to lover boys, then in his arms when he greets me at the door. And inside i am crumbling. I fear going 'home'. Mom is always on my case about everything because shes not happy and because she's jealous of the wonderful man i have seemed to find. If dad was home i woudl move in with him till i got married. I cant stand being at 'home'. Everyday i get ragged on for something new like the problem child i always thought i was.
Tonight i am going to get a leacture about how and why i shouldnt marry lover boy, and all sorts of things. Im going to keep my purse and coat at the front incase i feel the need to run and get out of that horrible place. Wish me luck......

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Crying tears

A slow love song plays all around me while i sit here in silence and slowly cry. Tears of what I dont know. Anger? Hatred? Confusion? I pratically ran to lover boys from home after sneaking out while my mom continued to sew the bridesmaids dresses. Just knowing that my family doesnt want me to spend time with lover boy until we're married because they are jealous hurt me deep inside. Can i do it? Can i survive at home and be happy for 32 more days?
I had gone upstairs to talk to mom again while she sewed the dresses. She starts yackin at me about how i shoudlnt be with lover boy anymore till we are married because my family at home misses me. Ya i see the point but i dont understand it. When i was at home no one payed any attention to me. I was ignored constantly. Everyone else was doin there own thing-homework, reading, gamecube-and i was left to be bored in my room with nothing to do. I thought i was doing everyone a favour by leaving and spending my time here at lover boys. This is where I learn that no one can be happy because now im wanted back. Even during the day i am supposed to stay home because mom might want to do something with me all of a sudden. Like when did that happen? The last thing i remember is always asking her if she wanted to go to the mall to hang out or something when her response was no because she was watching tv, or she had a haircut to do in 2 hours, or she had to drive bus in 3. My sisters are at school and where did that leave me? In my room reading, unhappy and feeling left out. Excluded. Again. All my life i have felt unhappy and excluded and when im at lover boys i dont feel that. I feel like im actually wanted, like there is actually a place for me here. I feel happy and i havnt been able to just sit down, read a book and feel truly happy in a long time. And it feels good. It feels great. And i know exactly what is going to happen when i do spend time at home again; everyone is going to do their regular activities-homework, reading, gamecube, at supper ill be ignored again-and where will that leave me? Laying in my bed staring at the ceiling wondering why i caved in and let mom control my life once again. Hating myself because i cant find the nerve to just talk to her knowing why at the exact same time.
The tears have mostly gone now as i sit here still alone but the pain and hurt and confusion still lies within. The thought of what to do next complexes me. Should i stay here till i need to go to work than go home for supper? or should i take my books and mp3 player and the rest of my stuff and leave to go home, where im supposededy needed? Just thinking of the stress that has been put upon me-to obey my mother and let her control me, or stand up for myself like lover boy is teaching me, plus sypmtoms of PMS-all makes me feel so sick that i could puke. My heart is saying dont leave because the essence of lover boy lingers in the air and i can feel the love thats within this home. I dont want to leave it behind for a month-would you?

Friday, June 09, 2006

Fleeing the country!?

As you can tell i have not written for a long time. And lots has happened. Lover boy moved into his new place(3 min walk from mine!) and i helped him move in. I find myself here everyday. And my dad decided to flee to the phillipines to marry a woman he has been conversing for not even a year. Now i have nothing against people meeting someone they have texted to for more than a yr over the net, but flying across the country to marry a woman u have texted for not even 6 mths??? CRAZY. Dont get me wrong. I love my dad. We always would go shopping together and i loved it. It was our bonding moment. And altought i have chatted with InternetChick(dads wife as of today.....)over the net and she IS really nice and i AM kinda excited to meet her and all...there is an unsettling feeling not only in my mind or my stomach. But in my heart as well. For I fear that the same thing will happen with my dad as it has with my mom. They get married and badda boom badda bing the kids are....invisible. There will be no more daddy/daughter dates. It will now be Daddy/internetchick/daughter dates. Fun? some of the time sure. But not all the time! He's MY dad. I knew him first! In a way i guess you could say Im jealous. Who wouldnt? But i also fear that he will not treat her the way she deserves. Im scared that the same thing will happen with dad that has happened more than once......Dad gets married, SAYS hes in love with her, have a few kids, starts to get abusive yada yada, wife leaves dad and then this time dad will be SO depressed hes going to kill himself. Now what if dad kills himself? I will be sad. Sadder than sad. I will be depressed. Sure it may not faze me as much because i dont see him everyday as it is(when he was here anyway...)but i WILL miss hugging him and his church speeches he seems to offer 24/7 and shopping! In a way he is my shopping buddy, as odd as that is....But he is my dad. and I love him.