Sunday, April 30, 2006

SOS. Sick of myself

Sometimes I just feel like I am not good for anything or anyone. Sometimes I get sad and I get down on myself. Sometimes all I want to do is stand there crying while I have a mini tantrum, pouting and complaning all thats wrong in my life and everything that is getting on my nerves and everything that I think isnt fair and everything that i want to say outloud but i dont. Sometimes I wanna scream out to the world how mad I get at myself because i dont. But why dont I scream out loud and...act out? Because people know me to be shy quiet Krystal who wouldnt hurt a freakin fly. And as soon i did act out people wouldnt notice. They wouldnt care what I have to say. They would think that i was being irrational and that i have no right in speaking or saying what i want to say because im not old enough to know that or according to my mother i dont have any feelings to tell people how i feel. So where there are no parents or noone to yell at me as i scream out to the world what im feeling i sit here and im going to have my tantrum right here and right now.
I feel like in every relationship I am in I am giving and giving and giving and not becuase i have to but because i want to because i love that person dearly when all i get back is 40 % of what im giving and i feel like i usually give 80%. When that happens I feel like Im not loved as much as i love that person and then I fear that I am loving that person too much, so much that im going to scare that person off like i have done before. So then I back off a bit then find that the other person in the relationship gets mad at me because they think i dont love them.
Right now I am sick of my life. I am sick of all the same foods I eat over and over again that i dont even like that much. I am sick how I always complain about things that i cant change. I am so sick of....myself.
I hate how it doesnt matter how much i excersice i always have this stupid pudge hangin over my pants. I feel fat and ugly and disgusting. Ugh.
I have no idea where I am going in my life....besides the fact that I am getting married and i have to find a new job. A 'real' job. I was thinking of applying at the Monarch movie theater so that way i could also still work at the school. I love it there. I love the kids way more than anyone thinks i do. Way more than i prolly should. Way more than i thought I would. And everytime i talk about them or about applying somewhere else to get a job i feel no one listens to me. I feel like they arent listening to me because what im talking about isnt interesting. And although it probably isnt i woudl still like u too seem interested!

All in all...I am so sick of myself. I feel like no one cares about me and i am taken for granted. I feel like i give my all in everythign i do everyday and no one appreciates it or me. All i want is a Krystal Day. Where i do what i want to do with who i want to do it with and i get pleasued in whatever way i want to be pleasered. But that will never happen because i feel like i am not good enough for a krystal day. I feel like i have to please everyone and that time should not be wasted on me.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

No Sun And Its Shine Blues

How do you cure the blues? I once used to know how to cure mine. I became an expert on how to wash away the saddness, walk away from the bad suicidial thoughts I once used to have, ignore those impulses to hurt myself with something sharp and hold my breath so long so i wouldn't cry for yet again another night in a row. But now that I havn't experienced saddness, also known as my depression blues for some quite some time now I have realized that I do not know how to cure these rainy day blues that I will often experience on days where there is no vitamin D supplied from the great object of happiness aka the sun and its shine. So what do I exactly do? Right now im sitting here all alone in the room, which i know is a huge no no for me when im feeling low for one reason. I am scared of myself. I'm scared that I will cry and i wont stop. Im scared that Ill give into temptation and Ill hurt myself somehow. Im also listening to a very dancable song on my sisters MP3 which is a definite yes for me on a sad day. The dancing tunes dont get me deeper into this slumber I seem to have fallen into today. And I know exactly why: it was a cloudy rainy cold day with no bright sun and its shine. So yes, basically im relying on the sunshine.Which yes, i know, it's not a good idea expessially seeing how in the winter there is hardly, if any, sun and its shine. And it all scares me for when the sun dissapears. If there is one thing I know will work is to talk. And if there is one person in this whole world that i feel the most comfortable talking to it would be lover boy. Sometimes I dont know what to say because I dont know what Im feeling. Sometimes I do know what im feeling but dont say so because im afraid its dumb. But he always seems to wait there for me to speak because he knows it takes my mind a while to get working. And I really appreciate that. But lover boy isnt here right now, he's at work, and i know i cant rely on him for happiness either because what if one day he's gone and im left again alone and.....sad? I'll just have to learn how to deal with this no sun and its shine-feeling sad-wanna get outta here feeling all over again. Here we go again......

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Breathe

It feels like i havnt posted forever but its only been a few days. My Easter weekend was good. It was relaxable and a very good way to get away from responibilities at home and someone called MOM. She always has these little rampages that are totally uncalled for and kinda retarted.....this time its about how lover boy hasnt proposed to me yet. Its so aggravating and all i wanna do is scream in her face "GET OVER IT ALREADY. ITS MY LIFE. NOT YOURS" but we all know that i am way to nice to say that to her...to anyone. Lover boys hasnt proposed b/c a ring does cost more than 2 dollars nowadays. And we want time to plan this wedding. SO GET OFF MY BACK......She's saying how she's not going to pay for anything till i get a ring on my finger. How i should be athome and not lover boys because we are not married yet......what??...that makes no freakin sence to me woman.....GAH. Enough of this....im gonna explode.....I'll just breath and take one step at a time.....breathe...breathe......breathe.......

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Fear Not

Thinking back to when Mom told me that she was going to pull me out of counselling because I wasn't changing makes me laugh now and wonder really hard how she couldn't see the changes that I could feel and that everyone else around me was noticing. I mean, how is it that your own mother doesn't notice something that someone you dont see very often does?? It just doesn't make sence to me. But just the other day there was yet again another sure sign to me that I have changed, that I have moved on from that shy fearful child I once used to be not too long ago.
Lover boy was upset and grumpy and frusterated. I found that his reasons for being so had changed a few times....but thats not the point. The point is that as i stood there in his kitchen with him slamming down his school books and slamming down the dishes as he cleaned up I realized that there was not an ounce of fear in my body. I found this very new for me because normally when someone gets mad and slams things down I get scared and I get very quiet and i just.....take it. But as lover boy was stomping around I just stood there, smling, thinking that this was the crazyiest foolish thing i have ever seen. I knew that lover boy wouldnt hit me or abuse me just because he was angry. I know he loves me and i knew he loved me from the start. I know that things with lover boy are going to be different than things with my dad. Except that whole swearing thing- i really gotta train him to stop doing that expecially when hes mad. Cause illl admit, thats the one thing that hasn't changed. It scares me. It reminds me of dad when he was mad and when he would swear and yell. It reminds me of when he swore at me that one day and totally crushed my self worth making me think I wasnt important enough to be spoken to like I was someone important. I even stood up for myself during the whole thing when he was being a jerk to me when I was trying to be nice and do his dishes. If there was one thing that ive learnt from this experince it would be that i have changed and evolved.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

~Why engagment rings are important~

Why exactly is the engagment ring important? I will tell you:

1) It shows that your man loves you enough to buy you a ring before you're married. It's actually said to be later proven true that if you dont get an engagement ring that your husband will "cheap" you out your whole life....now who wants that? Certianly not me.

2)From #1 you'll prolly feel so worthless because you dont have one. Then you will either a) get abused by your husband or b) Get a divorce...and that is something i definialty am not getting married for...or c) get a divorce AFTER you've been abused countless times.....fun? I think not!

3) I'll admit....Its fun to show it off to all your friends and loved ones.

4) It makes the engagment "real". Sure you talk and talk and plan and plan but without the ring no one actually takes it seriously that ur gonna get married. And who wants noone to to not take ur marriage seriously? Oh...not me again!

5)Its pretty to look at on your finger and makes a girl expecially happy and feel a very stron g love for the man who gave it to her.

6) its always have fun to get proposed to by a man on one knee(in a private place under the stars after a walk *hint hint hint* ) with a ring (of the style you appreciate *hint hint*)

7) You can pass your engagment ring on. You can give it to your daughter or your daughters daughter. She then can give it to her daughters daughter. And on it goes.

8) A simple engagment ring spells "LOVE" to a woman. It lets them know that they are worth something. Enough to get a ring(see hint in #6.......) and to get proposed to.(see hint in #6... :))

So as you can see an engagment ring is more special to a girl than most guys think. Its a symbol of love and beauty and trust. Its happiness and a future together forever. Now who doesnt want that???

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Wrecked afternoon

So wrecked is a harsh word and somewhat not true in this case....but its a good eye cather and topic sentence....lol. I was supposed to go on a bbq picnic thing with lover boy and my 2 sisters and possibly my sisters b/f. I was getting so excited for it all when lover boy calls me this morning to tell me that some of his relatives are coming down so we cant do the picnic thing anymore. I all of a sudden was kidna crushed about the whole thing but tomorrow is another day-if it doesnt rain-AGAIN. Lover boy knew i was sad, he coudl hear it in my voice but i said it was fine and that everything was alright and that yes, i was still as happy as i was when i answered the phone. I could have said "no im not fine everything is not ok" but what woudl that have accomplished? Nothing. An argument or hurt feelings maybe. And i dont want that, for the both of us. Everytime someone says to me "Im sorry" or "is it ok?" or "are you gonna be alright?" I dont say anything. I always think of my ex-Justin. He had dissapointed me again by getting my hopes up and then crushing them leaving me to say nothing but "Its ok". One day he said somethign about it. "You always say its ok when i know its not really ok." I was totally speechless. But in this case it was ok. I was going to be fine. It was a picnic. Something we have all summer to do. Something that i had to complain to myself for about an hour then it was done, over. I was feelin better. But now i sit here.....on the computer with lovers boy aunt in the living room reading a book. Lover boy and his uncle had gone out to get his oil checked or something and there wasn't enough seats for me too. Im feeling kinda rude to just sit in here typing out some blog noone prolly even reads when his aunt is in the living room. But i have nothing to say. Nothing of interest anyway....*sigh* Life goes on I suppose......In the end of the day...I will be OK.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Communication

Life is good right now; job with cute kids that I like to play with, great b/f who i am planning a wedding with( hint:still need the ring and proposal...lol), great sisters i love......but you know what hurts the most about who I am? The fact that i dont have the freakin guts to stand up for myself. I'll admit, I have gotten alot better with communication in the last 3 months, but just the odd thing will tick me off and i want to tell them right away it was rude and my feelings got hurt but lately i feel like what i say doesn't really matter to them. I dont want to hurt anyone's feelings by this blog or make them hurt in any way because thats not what im about. I use this blog as a way to jot down my feelings, a way to think to myself about stuff. It gives me an oppourtunity to seperate all my thoughts for once so i can concentrate on one thing. So if you ever read something in here about yourself i dont mean to say it to let you to know, or to purposly hurt your feelings. If you read something and you do feel bad perhaps u should feel bad about it and be sorry for it, but back on topic......Yesterday for example. Lover boy said that we have different types of style, and i agree. His is tucked in plaid shirts, plain blue jeans and those kackies(sp)......Mine is untucked shirts more of a youth teenage style, fashionable(yes...FASHIONABLE) jeans, and colorful socks. I dont have a problem whatsoever with what he wears. I accept the fact that he likes what he wears and we are 2 different people who dress differently. And I love him so therefore i think clothes shouldn't matter all that much. Sure he has pants i dont like but i dont tell him not to wear them or to burn them. He can wear them if he wants, they're his pants not mine. But last night i had said that we both need to accpet each others difference in style. His response: laughter and "i dont think so, i think you need to learn mine and throw out those pants." Well...here's a thought: What about me? If I was at all important my opinion would matter. Just because i am a woman, a girl, female, it doesn't mean that i dont have an opnion. It doesn't mean anything. How can someone expect me to speak up when my opnion always gets tossed out the window and set aside? You cant. You cant expect me speak up at all. The fact is it doens't matter anymore. I dont want to talk about this whole clothes thing anymore because i realize its stupid. They're CLOTHES. My whole life i have wanted to fit in with society. I was bullied nonstop at school because of what i wore, so i changed it. And now Im being razzled by the one i love about what i wear. How do you think that makes me feel? Seriously.... But it doesnt matter what's said about this issue. The issue will always stand with me wherever i go. When i get dressed in the morning. When i go shopping. When i see a pair of pants i LOVE but dont buy because i know lover boy wont approve of them. What I think i need to do is talk to him. I think we need to have a sit down and just...talk. I have to learn if hes gonna always push aside what i have to say without thinking about it. He has to learn to think before talking. We both need to learn to communicate better.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Nobody Can Say

I remember the days thinking of my wedding day
Nobody can say
No, nobody can say
that it would be so soon
I remember the days lookin out my window
Nobody can say
No, nobody can say
they knew who I was going to marry
I remember the days when I would cry
Nobody can say
No, nobody can say
that I would find someone that wouldn't cause the love of me to die
Who knew I would be so happy
Who knew that I would feel so sappy
Nobody can say
No, nobody can say
Will my future be happy
Will I be happy?
Will my marriage be succesful
unlike my mom and dads?
Nobody can say
No, nobody can say.
I remember just a few days ago
staring at his face
To me he looked so beautiful
To me he was all mine.
I felt so happy
I felt so real
I remember just a few days ago
staring at his face
I smiled to myself
knowing that I love him
Who can say this would happen to me
Nobody can say
No
Nobody can say.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

A.D.D

I always knew there wasn't somethng 'right' with how my mind comnprehended things or the way or reasons as to why i did something. And it always frusterated me to the point of withdrawl, silence, and tears. Sometimes even thoughts about death and suicide. I always thought i was just 'dumb' because i always forgot things, or procrastinated alot, or didnt get as high as a mark as i wanted on that test even though i did try studying. I always felt inadequet around others-my sisters even-when they would bring home they're reprt cards with 80s and 90s. 70s even. I never got that high but even though i did get 40s and 50s and 60s and i felt good about it knowing i did my best i still thought i was dumb and there was something wrong with me. When lover boy told me that it was retarted when i said i dont remember things and stuff it not only hurt my feelings but made me wonder: What if i have some sort of.....disability that i am not aware of? Thinking that i started to do some research. I woudl go to yahoo and type in forgetfullness but would come up with response like alzhimers(sp) and old age.....nope not those.... Finally i found something. After reading countless pages upon pages i realized that is it very possible that i could have A.D.D. It kinda frightens me a bit but at the same time relaxes me because i know have a big idea about my problem. But as days go by i might decide i want a check up to see if i actually do have A.D.D. We will see what happens....