Friday, March 31, 2006

It's who I am

Ive been sitting here for some time thinking of what to write. I came up with my fear of the unknown, something about lover boy because he is all i can seem to talk about nowadays, what i am looking for in a marriage, but after writing that one out and reading it i realized that it kinda....sucked. But why did it suck? What made it suck? Well, the fact that I didnt use any type of metaphor or any of the technigues I like to use in my writitng to personalize it; make it my own, might be the reason. It could be that when i write i dont just....write. Writing helps me think, its how i think. Writing reveals my insecurities, my fears, my dark past secrets I hide deep within myself. It shows my joy, my happiness, it shows me. I am in my writing. When you read my writing, anything from a poem, to a short story, to one of my novels, to a paragraph, to even something so simple like a blog or a even sentence, you're not just reading or understanding. You're seeing me, your're hearing all the words i dont speak. But you cant just read either. You have to look, you have to think. Its not just what i write. It's how. Its how I make one word flow from another, its the mood you recieve while reading whatever it is you're reading. People dont understand how important writing is to me, they think its just a hobbie. Its not just a hobbie. Its everything i am. Its everywhere I go. Its everything i do. Its who i am. Its how i learn about myself. And that is why it sucked.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I remember

Today ive been reflecting on my past life and the feelings i felt. It doesnt really make me sad, but it does bring tears to my eyes sometimes but that doesnt stop me from being happy. I want to write a poem about it but i cant seem to find the right words to use. It might take some effort, this poem.
If there was one place you could go back to for a week to refeel what you used to feel where would your place be? Mine would be the townhouse. We(being mom and my 3 sisters and I) moved into the townhouse when I was 13 years old. I remember lots of things from that place considering I was only there for 2 years. I remember shooting marbles out from under my door with Jen after taking 2 hours to lift my feathered mattress up 3 flights of stairs. I remember 'running away' with Santana prentending we were cops scaring sam and casey. I remember laying on my bed everynight in the summer with my window open looking at the stars and moon listening to the cars drive by and the drunks and teens down the street at the strip mall. I remember Liz's attempt to make the basement a bedroom with her curtian door and her birthday wrapping paper and shopping bags as wallpaper. I remember our pulley system with the rope and my birthday bag for when we were lazy and didnt feel like walking down 3 flights of stairs for a pair of sisccors when we could yell down the stairs "sissors!!" and then yoink up the bag with the sissors. I remember the 1st time i stepped into the place. It was like my saftey home. We had ranaway from home that night with mom in fear because dad had just found that moms plan was to let him come home to an empty house. We were scared of what he would do cause he was on his way home right away, so we ran. We drove to the town house and as i looked around inside i knew dad didnt know where it was or where we were. I felt safe and i liked the feeling. I remember smiling to myself. I remember mom asking me what i thought. I remember trying not to smile and look so happy. I remember saying "its ok" when really i loved it so much. We sat on the floor that night eating sandwiches for supper from the mac store up the street. I remember going there and staying there but i dont rememeber going home. And I honestly dont want to. I remember lots of things. Good things. Bad things. I could go on and on and on and on about what i remember. But this ill tell you: I remember that my life is so good right now with a job and a future slowly coming into veiw for me. A lover boy who is so lovable and sisters who i have so many insiders with(mister...accident....dennis.....). Life couldnt get much better than this at the moment.....

Monday, March 27, 2006

Why lover boy...fits

-I've always wanted a beautiful yard when Im married but i knew i couldnt do it myself. Lover boy takes horticulture.
-Ive always wanted to live in Ontario after I got married. Lover boys family is from there and he wants to move back.
-I can talk about religion for DAYS. Lover boy served a mission and he can talk about it forever too.
-I wanted someone I could tell things to like i did with Sandy. Lover boy is more than willing to listen.
-I wanted a husband with a good job which supplies enough $. Lover boy is taking horticultre and that gives good jobs with good moola.
-He was drawn to me without knowing why. I was drawn to him too.
-Im aiming for Celestial Glory after my mortal life. So is lover boy.
-I wanted someone who was mature. Lover boy is.
-I wanted someone who loves kids. Lover boy does.
-Lover boy fits all my personalty types I want in a future husband
-I wanted a sensitive romantic guy. Lover boy is just that.
-I love him and he loves me
-He remembes what I tell him.
-I wanted someone who is responsible. Lover boy is the most resonsible guy I know.
-He feels the same way I do....about not fitting in at Branch and feeling like an idtiot. Hes real.
-The way we met and how he found out my phone #. Its all so.......fantasy dream world like.

Of course there is alot more reasons as to why lover boy fits and i just love how we came together. There are so many things thats happened that screams to me that lover boy is the 'one'. I just wanted to share some reasons with you all, kinda in a way to celebrate my love for the most awesome guy ever. I love you baby!

Friday, March 24, 2006

Cry

Its like this: Im jumping on the trampoline for the 2nd time this spring listenin to my music really loud. I like to hear everything in the song and it tunes out the world, so for a moment, or however long im jumping, its just me and the nice weather with loud music watching the world go up and down, up and down, until i lookbehind me because i feel a presence.Its my mom. I knew she was going to talk to me sometime during that night b/c my sister told me. I pull out an earpeice and pause my song. Mom wanted to know if i was mad at her. Not at the moment, no. Earlier yes. Why?B/c of how immature shes been acting these past few months.But as we both stand there in silence Mom throws her hands in the air and says I dont talk to her, like now and proceeds to walk in the house. Normally Id be care. I'd care that Mom was frusterated at me, maybe a little bit hurt. But as I continue jumping with my music unpaused I dont feel a thing. Its like my body and mind went numb. For once I didnt care that mom was being irrational and immature. For the 1st time all day all i wanted was to burry my face into my boyfriends chest holding him tight, so close to my body and just cry. Cry for the anger I felt this morning. Cry for the frusteration I felt last night. Cry for the boring same routine my life has become. Cry b/c i love my boyfriend so much and how im ashamed in myself with how i could even question if he's the one and if i really should be marrying him.
40 mins pass and Im sitting on my bed listening to music again still feeling numb. I feel content. Happy. Yet somewhat sad and confused. I cant stop looking at the clock to see when my boyfriend is going to call me. My music is dancable but I dont dance. I sit on my bed and inside I smile while i cry.

This was origanally written last night but not published till tonight....

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

A.F.S

A.F.S. Does anyone know what this means? No, of course not, i just made it up. It stands for After Fight Syndrome. And that is exactly what I have this morning, and what i had last night. This is what happens: The fight is over between whomever, it doesnt matter because a fight is a fight and yelling is yelling. There is always tension in the air and who likes tension? I happen to hate tension. So after the fight I feel releived... very releived yet at the same time i have a little emptyness in my chest filling up slowly of saddness only because i always turn into the same 7 year old girl who used to hide under her covers everynight crying, praying that mom and dads fight would be over soon and that i would still have a mom in 1 peice the next day. Eventually the saddness goes away and turns into a dark bitter feeling, where i will listen to loud sad, sometimes creepy dark music because that is how im feeling. Dark. That fades leaving me in between happiness (b/c its over) and saddness (because it happnened). Then that turns into grumpyness when im not in the mood to do anything, and i mean anything. Its not that I have anything agasint that person who im with at the time, its just how i operate. Then i realize that im being a sour puss and no one is havin fun when im not having fun because i am a very fun laughable person to be around if i must say so myself...so i turn it around and im happy me again:until i get into bed and its dark and no one can see me...or my tears. Thats when all the feelings come rushing back to me and since im so vulnerable at that precise moment that every sinlge thing thats been bothering me comes out and i cry and cry and cry. I just let it all out. And there is nothing wrong wtih crying in my opinion. Its just how i let it all out. Then theres the next morning.
Because of all that crying i slept all night and all morning(if i didnt have to work..like this morning..yay)so when i wake up i feel refreshed and somewhat happy that its a new day. By the time im up and moving and realize what happened last night I get sad again and feel a little bit of darkness creeping in. I dont want to feel that all day because i know its stupid to stress out about it all so i watch and listen and read stuff that makes me laugh and happy. Like dancing. I tried posting a blog yesterday about dancing and how its important to me and stuff but for some reason the blog didnt publish because my internet and computer over all is RETARTED. Grr......By the afternoon Im happy. Sometimes im grumpy. Sometimes i have sad moments in my happiness. It varies.
So, to all you who actually care, this is how A.F.S works. Anyone else experince this??

Monday, March 20, 2006

Doin' my thang.

To some karate is a way of life, to some skateboarding is the coolest sport out there that everyone should know how to do. To some, singing is there passion and there is nothing in the whole world that would take them away from that. To me, dancing is my everything. Dancing is my hobby. Dancing is my sport, my actvity, my thing to do to keep me active and helathy, my thing to keep me happy. Dancing is mine.
In my room blasting "crappy" music as put by lover boy(its hip hop and SO not crap....)i would put together a dance routine. I would coregraph my own dances, pratcising so much in my room that i would actually break out in a heavy sweat, with my heart beating so hard and fast against my chest i would have problems keeping up with it. But once I severley sprained my ankle i was forced to stay off it for a while. Wanting to get back to dancing and my routine i was currently working on, i thought id speed up the proccess by walking on my ankle when i wasnt supposed to. That put my dancing hobby aside even longer than i wanted and when i tried to do it again i just couldnt do some moves that i had once loved so much. I'll admit, i cried forever about it and i never picked up on it again.
I was watching TV the other day and i leanrt about the JammX kids. Im sure you know about them but if you dont, they are a bunch of kids that hip hop dance and teach you steps and moves on there tv show. I learnt somethig from this. I learnt that dancing is still very much part of me. Dancing is still mine. So why did i give it up and not do it for 5 months? Because i let something so small get in the way and i let my fear of not being a good dancer get in they way. All i gotta say is im back, and im doin my thang.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

i dont listen...i hear

At 19 years old am I supposed to know who i am inside and out? Am I supposed to know why I always forget things, like if I locked the bathroom door or not, or what mom said 2 mins ago even though i KNOW i was listening to what she said b/c I reapeted what she told me in my head also 2 mins ago? Am i supposed to know why i think my opinion never matters even if it does? Am I required to know how every little aspect in my brain works 100% of the time? I certianly hope not, because if I do then i am definilty failing.
I dont know everything about myself yet. And honestly i probably never will. Today I got very frusterated at myself because i let lover boy hurt my feelings and i dont have the freakin guts to tell him about it so here i am like a wimp not knowing why im blogging all this down when really i should be out there sayin"look...you hurt my feelings today when you said *yada yada* and it made me frusterated at myself" now, i ask all of you, is that really hard to say? NO its not, but to me its very hard. Its super hard. Its like a kindergarten child trying to carry a 200 pound rock.Heck, its like me trying to carry a 200 pound rock. Its very hard and sometimes i feel like its impossible but i KNOW its not immpossible because nothing is impossible. He asked for my opnion on something and normally i dont give people my opnion because im used to it being either a)ignored or b)put down. Well i gave him my opnion and he couldnt figure out my reasoning so it therefore became "retarted". That was one of the things that hurt my feelings today, knowing that something i havent figured out is "retarted". In my opnion if your gonna ask me for my opnion DONT BASH IT OR ME. It seriously hurts my feelings but by tomorrow none of this will matter and this blog will be utterly pointless until lover boy reads it and he gets his feelings hurt becase he feels i cant talk to him because i dont love him. Which is not true. I DO love him. Which is why i got mad at him this afternoon because although my feelings got the best of me and all i wanted to do was makeout and maybe a lil more i knew we couldnt so therfore i didnt go into his room and seduce him like i wanted. But thats not my point. My point is this: I do not know myslef yet and it frusterates me not to know these things that i want to because everyone else sees and notices something and i dont know how to explain what i did because i dont know why i did what i did. Like, forgetting things. I have no idea why i forget things. I honestly think I have a mental problem but i dont know what. And it frusterates me because lover boy thinks i dont listen to him and i DO listen to him, i really really do. Its just that sometimes i.....forget. I forget everything!! i forget to lock the bathroom door and dont realize it until im actuually sitting on the can. I forget my keys on my bed and dont realize till i get home and find the door locked. I forget my own freakin phone number so much to the point where it actually worries me. What's next? Am i going to forget who i am? Am i going to forget where i live and what my name is? Am i going to lose sight of reality and forget what that is too?? But i cant tell anyone this because they wont belive me. They wont understand because noone can understand me if i cant even understand me. And its not like i dont try to understand myself either. Its just a big freakin huge cirle called retarted retarted retarted. Everything about this and my life is utterly RETARED! But of course, by tomorrow i wont even remeber i posted this blog b/c apparently I DONT LISTEN....I HEAR.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Wait and pray

You know when your feelin sad, a little depressed even and you don't wish that feeling on anybody once you finally snap out of it? Wll, I was reading an email, a quiz my youngest sister had sent me and i already kinda new about her her feelings and stuff but when i read this one email all of a sudden i felt my insides churn and i wanted to cry, not because i was depressed but because i love her and she feels how i felt and mom has no idea. What if she does end up doing something to herself and only i know? what do i do then? I've been thinkin about this for a while now and i still dpont know. I figure the only thing i can do is spend more time with her, let her know i care. Be a sister. But how much will that do? How far can i go with that? My mom has an idea, but since she doesnt know how to deal with it she wont do anythign about it. I think shes scared personally but hey, you never know. All i can do is wait. And pray.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

A whole new woman

I was at home doing who knows what while i was thinking about life in general and how much ive grown up and what i had yet to do that day and what i didnt want to do that day and in the back of my mind i was thinkin about what lover boy(thats the nickname i am giving to my b/f....hope u dont mind babe.haha) said to me, about how one day you will just know when you found the right one and it wont be right away, you'll have to ponder and search ur heart, when all of a sudden BOOM, it hit me. This feeling in my heart to all of a sudden call him up and say "I love you so much" and although I didnt, at that moment i just knew that i love lover boy more than anything in the world, and that i want to marry this guy. At first if he proposed to me i would have said yes but in the back of my mind i would have been wondering....do i really?? If he proposed to me next month i know i would say yes and i know that i wouldnt doubt it, not even for a seceond, heck i would probably be so excited id even tell random people on the street "im engaged! look at my ring!!!" But seriously, I love lover boy so much. He knows i love him and i know he loves me. Its such a wonderful feeling u know? I jsut dont know what to do to show him how much i love him. I want to kiss him all the time and tell him I love him every minute of every day for the rest of my life.........AGH........its overwhelming sometimes to the point where i have to sit down somewhere, close ym eyes and just breath, just take in all the wonderous wonderful all around me. It may sound corny but its true. And althought most of my friends are wicked happy and excited for me i still have one friend that is unsure. And all my life i have let even one person change my mind, but the feeling of love i have is so strong that Im not even going to let this one friend change my mind. I love lover boy and thats that. She is gonna have to get used to the fact and there is nothign i can do to stop it. I dont even want to stop it. I could talk about lover boy all day....one more thing.lol.
He makes me feel so special and i noticed changes in myself, good ones, after i stared dating him. I noticed that i am way more happy, way more happier than i even thought i would be. I have a sence of self confindence in myself doing and saying things in public i would have never said or done before, for instance scratching my armpit. I feel so confident and so strong and so loved and so happy and i feel just like a whole new woman. A whole new woman that i can totally learn to love and appreciate.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Thats love

I was having doubts again about marriage and everything in general-school, friends, church, love-and i was going to talk to my b/f about it cause that's what we do and thats what i need to learn to do more often;talk.
As i sat in his car just thinkin to myself he reaches behind him in the back seat while hes driving and hands me paper"This is for you" he says. I look at it. It's a computer printed card with XOXO on the front. I continue opening it and inside is a poem. I read it and it was actually pretty good for someone who doesnt write poetry. I think he thinks i was just being nice but i really thought it was pretty good. The thought matters the most. Inside it made me feel better and a little more happier and little more sure about everything. Behind the card was just a little paragraph telling me how he feels. I loved it.
This morning i woke up and mom saw that i had replaced my favourite Clay pic with the poem with the valentines day card beside it and the homemade card on the other side of the frame. My mom picked up the homemade card and read it. She put that down and read the poem. Hearing these next words from my mother reassured me as she looked at me with a smile on her face and said "Now that's love".

Friday, March 03, 2006

Be not afriad......get off ur butt and ask

You remember that entry i made a while back titled "too much to ask?" or something along those lines? Well, I have been thinkin about all that ladies. I have found the most wonderful guy who actually meets quite a few of those 'is it too much to ask' comments. And if there is one thing i have learnt in my life is that asking is a good thing, that you should never be too afriad to ask. So ladies, think about this one: I asked and i now have my man. Now think about this: Ask, and ye shall receive.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Easier said than done

On October 22, 2004 i started counselling becuase i had given my mother a 2 page letter informing her on whats been going on in my life for the past 2 years and how i felt about the world and me in it. It showed the loving side to my mom for 1 night but counselling sure has proved to be worth it. Worth what you ask?Worth the pain i went through, the extreme points on sorrow, everything.
On February 28 2006 I had my last counselling session not because we had no money to pay anymore, which i have to say is kinda the cause behind the whole thing......, and its not because i quit going, its because i finally realized how special i am and how much people love me even if i dont think so on days when im feeling a little more than invisible. Pycho advisor offered me great advice for my last session, for me before i enter the world without counselling, without any obvious guidance.
It's a little weird, yet disomforting to think how i used to feel in 2004 comparied to now. I cant even put into words how amazing the difference is. I mean....was that even me?? Who was that girl who once used to wear huge baggy black hoodies to hide herself? Who was that girl who sat in her room in the dark, crying herself to sleep at night? Who was that girl who always had the urge to jump in the middle of a busy road because she couldnt handle the world, let alone her own feelings?? That girl was me. Me in the past. And the past is..well..in the past. And yes, I am aware that it will always be that way and that fears from the past are still in me somehwhat. But i have the future to look forward to, and therefore have to work my butt off to shed my insecurities. It will take some times but yes i know it can be done. Pycho advisor informed me that i will have bumps in the road but i have to face it, i have to be strong. And I know that i can face it. I can face anything with a little help. All i have to do is shed that fear of asking, and just ask for help. Its really quite that simple.........but like people always say, its easier said than done.