Monday, February 27, 2006

Last Time

So tomorrow is my last session at counselling and I dont really know what im feeling. A little bit excited b/c to me that means my saddness has been washed away and my anxiety minimized. A little bit scared b/c what if something happens and i dont know how to deal with the pain it brings? What if im really not better and i still need some work? A little bit relieved b/c i now dont have to keep track of my journal entires and what i was feeling when and why, although i do know that i should still be aware of all that. Im feeling a little bit stressed about it b/c i still need to think of more questions. And what if i think of a good question that i really need answered and no one else knows but pycho advisor herself?? A little bit of sorrow b/c i have come to know and love her with all my heart and i will hardly see her. I'll be lucky if we run into each other at church even, but when i do, you can bet that we will hug.
Tomorrow will be the last time i confide in her with my secrets. The last time i smell that oh so familiar scent in her office. The last time i sink in her black leather couch, the last time i hear myself reading a poem to her that is still so fresh in my heart and my mind so i try not to cry. The last time i feel the anxiety as i sit outside her office, waiting and praying she didnt forget about me. The last time i get to hear her advice, good or not.
But even though tomorrow i am saying goodbye to all those things and i still dont quite know how im feeling about this whole last-time-being-on-my-own-thing, i do know that i am saying goodbye to a part of my life that needs to be left behind. A part of my life that i wish i could forget. A part of my life, like a chapter in a book. What i do know is that the next chapter in my life i am going to try to be a better person than i was and it wont be the last time i remember and use something i once learnt in pycho class. It wont be the last time i read a poem outloud, and it wont be the last time im sad about something b/c i know that even life without pycho advisor is a life none the less that i am going to have to get over and move on........im good to go. Im good to go for one last time.

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