Monday, February 27, 2006

Last Time

So tomorrow is my last session at counselling and I dont really know what im feeling. A little bit excited b/c to me that means my saddness has been washed away and my anxiety minimized. A little bit scared b/c what if something happens and i dont know how to deal with the pain it brings? What if im really not better and i still need some work? A little bit relieved b/c i now dont have to keep track of my journal entires and what i was feeling when and why, although i do know that i should still be aware of all that. Im feeling a little bit stressed about it b/c i still need to think of more questions. And what if i think of a good question that i really need answered and no one else knows but pycho advisor herself?? A little bit of sorrow b/c i have come to know and love her with all my heart and i will hardly see her. I'll be lucky if we run into each other at church even, but when i do, you can bet that we will hug.
Tomorrow will be the last time i confide in her with my secrets. The last time i smell that oh so familiar scent in her office. The last time i sink in her black leather couch, the last time i hear myself reading a poem to her that is still so fresh in my heart and my mind so i try not to cry. The last time i feel the anxiety as i sit outside her office, waiting and praying she didnt forget about me. The last time i get to hear her advice, good or not.
But even though tomorrow i am saying goodbye to all those things and i still dont quite know how im feeling about this whole last-time-being-on-my-own-thing, i do know that i am saying goodbye to a part of my life that needs to be left behind. A part of my life that i wish i could forget. A part of my life, like a chapter in a book. What i do know is that the next chapter in my life i am going to try to be a better person than i was and it wont be the last time i remember and use something i once learnt in pycho class. It wont be the last time i read a poem outloud, and it wont be the last time im sad about something b/c i know that even life without pycho advisor is a life none the less that i am going to have to get over and move on........im good to go. Im good to go for one last time.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Finding my feelings

Last night i had a dream. And in that dream i was running across a bridge in the city. The railings had fallen off and the river at the time was exeptionally high. So high in fact, that water was starting to come up on the cement. I was sacred because I didnt want to drown or fall off or be swept away, so i ran across. I don know why, from who or where. I just knew that i had to get across this bridge to get to somewhere safe. As i was running i would run to the right often, realize, then get back in the middle of the sidewalk. But at one point i had run right off the bridge into the water. Thinking i would sink instantly and die i panicked but when i thought of my b/f i felt calm inside. I noticed there were lots of rocks on the water and sinking took a long time. While sinking i was patient and as soon as i was emerged into the water i got right out and started running again like nothing happened. I dotn know if i reached the end because i woke up. Now why did i tell u this dream? B/c i am now going to interpret for you. Crossing rivers means making great change. Falling into the river means resisting your feelings. And a bridge means phase of one life to another. This is really all makes sence. Ill explain.......I am making a huge change in my life soon and i know its coming. Im not saying what just so theres some suspense action goin on here and all u readers come back(haha) which explains the crossing river, and not to mention the bridge. And I'll admit that i was trying to resist some feelings i had goin on inside for one reason. well..probably more but i can only think of oen right now. and that would be falling in love. because what happens when 2 people are in love who feel what they got cant be found like this anywhere else?? marriage. and i am only 19 yrs old. and i know i have to get used the fact that yes, i will get married but in my wildest dreams did i think i would be be 19. no i am not saying im engaged....yet. thats a different story. but i have come to realize that i cant hide feelings. heck i should of known that from a long time ago, but i like say people never learn. it will be hard but i can do it. i can let my feelings go. i am finding my feelings.

Friday, February 17, 2006

booya

long week with no work here i come!

i get 8 days of freedom and unresponiblity! well....to a point anyway. who knows what i'll do.....hang out with the b/f(still need a nickname for this thing.....)spend some time with my sisters, and my daddy. STAY INSIDE. its freezing......this post is pretty pointless...and boring.....but im out. PEACE

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Virgin lips no more

now i am not one to brag and i do not wish to brag. I am not going to go into "detail" as everyone would prolly like for one reason and one reason only: the moment is sacred. haha that sounds SO cheesy. I just dont feel like posting every single detail on here for you guys to read when its my moment. That was my moment and i am going to keep it that way.
But let me say this: Last night was amazing. As you all know, it was Valentines Day, and seeing how i have a b/f i was with him, go figure eh?
As you guessed from my topic title i have been kissed. i am no longer miss virgin lips. lol. I'll admit that i was scared a bit, and i didnt know what was going to happen, how it would feel, how I would feel. I was moslty scared of myself, fearing that once i was kissed i would like it SO much that who knows what i would do next. Having strong feelings for someone is a whole new experince for me seeing how my mother never talked to me about anything. She didnt talk to me about sex, what i will feel, when, and where for that matter. She didnt say anything. And with me being cautious, not knowing what will happen i tend to take things slow. But after i was kissed i knew then that i was truly ready. So for all you girls out there, here is my advice: Think about it before doin it. Talk to your parents about feelings, and talk to your b/f or whoever your going to kiss. Because afterwards it will totally be worth it. Love you baby*kiss*

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Learning

ill be honest. at the start of my new relationship i was still kinda scared about what would happen in the future. now as u all know i try as hard as possible not to plan the future cause for some reason god always has a reason to break up that relationship with whomever and this is the one person i dont want to lose. but back to that being scared thing, i wasnt sure about the age difference b/c we're are 8 yrs apart and having parents who are 8 yrs apart and divorced it worried me a little bit. But i am slowly learning. i learnt in the past 2 days that age doesnt matter. that no matter what age u are its what u put into and take out of the relationship that holds it together. i guess what im saying is that i always looked at my mom and dad and there relationship(or lack thereof???) and was going upon that and what i knew. but the reason they got divorced wasnt b/c they were 8 yrs apart. no. it was b/c mom married him at a very young age only b/c she was pregnant. it was b/c they didnt communicate. they always were at each others throats b/c they didnt communicate. there was moms set of rules and dads set of rules. it was a very scary complex world to live in when ur only 7 yrs old. but i am learning. But the one thing i know already is that age doesnt mean anything to me with this guy(still thinkin of a nickname for this thing.....hi again babe*smile*) b/c we have good communication skills. we are slowly working at what we have. and i like that. i like that alot.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

the end is near!

the time has come that counselling will be terminated. thats right people, one more session and i am done, completed, finished....and i am THRILLED. I have been waiting for this moment for about 2 months. I knew i was better because i could feel it inside of me. it's amazing. its so weird thinkin that 2 yrs ago this time i was like...so deep down in the saddness and so consumed in the anxiety that today i know who i am, what im about and totally loving life excited to see what happens next. my last session is prety much a freebee. i was told to bring in my drawings for her to look at, pictures(mainly of my new catch), and poetry that ive written. i have to think of questions for her to answer, anything that i want answered. so im gonna do some good thinkin. if u got some good questions u think i shoudl ask PLZ reply and post them. it woudl be appreciated. pycho advisor said that she's SO proud of me and that i was a great pupil...if she was a teacher.lol. she gave me a great big hug and told me that she is only a call away anytime anywhere just in case i feel like i cant handle things all of a sudden. thats the one thing that i really wanted to know.
but enough about that.....on sat my love life was built. i got a b/f! and honestly he makes me so freakin happy. this relationship is way different than the other ones. i feel like this one is more special somehow. we get along so well and i can tell he really cares for me. i think the other relationships ive had were just for fun and not so serious. but this one is more real to me, hes not in it for the fun or attention, but hes in it for the long haul-hopefully. cause i am.i could go on FOREVER about this guy he's just that awesome! and hi babe if ur reading*smile*. i love everything about this guy. how we have lots in common yet some things different, how he talks to me and we can have intelectual conversations. everything.
so life is going great. for all u who are reading this and wondering how u can get where i am, just have faith. work hard for what u want and have patience. sure life is hard sometimes but its totally not worth it to die over or sulk for days. be strong. be brave. good luck!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

L+I+F+E=great

i havnt updated this thing in forever, so long in fact that i almost forgot my password and userame. haha. but what have i been doing lately?

i now work in the morning and inthe afternoons. i dont know if i was asked to come in the morning b/c the supervisor(shelly) likes me, or b/c im the only one who actualyl cares abaout my health and walks to work. or maybe b/ im clsoest....who knows. but im getting to know the kids a whole heck of a lot better and they are so cute! and yes i do have favs but no names need mentioned.....
counselling? whats that again? i havnt seen pycho advisor(who STILL is not pycho in anyway....)FOREVER. well besides at church last sunday. but its been about a month since ive been to pycho class. and in all honesty i am doing great. i feel soooo much more happier than i used to. my depression is like..gone and my anxiety is still there but i dont notice it so much anymore. im happy everyday and enjoy life. finally eh....but the reason as to y once a month(stupid i know.....pointless too) is b/c mom claims we dont hae enough to pay..so the chuch is payin for that on pointless hr visit. if pycho advisor doesnt say when my last session is and when i grad from it all then im going to break it off myself. not b/ ci hate it cause i actualyl enjoyed it but its so pointless to me now with her always asking me if i feel like killing myself....no no no the answer is NO. its always been no and will forever be! gah.....
my sister had her baby. he is now 3 mnths and so freakin adorable. oh gosh....
a new boy is in the pic and no, no names. hes olde than me by like....8 yrs. at 1st i thought that nothign could happen between us b/c we r 8 yrs apart and my parens were too but they got divorced and i dont want tht to happen to me..who does?? so i was kinda skeptical about the whole thing.....no no more he is nothig like my father which is GOOD...but enough rambling. gotta get to work!!