Saturday, October 22, 2005

This is my Final Goodbye Ms Gust

As you all know, Ive been having a hard time trying to forget about Ms Gust. I loved her so much. But apparently she didn't want that and she didnt care the same about me. The hardest part was to know that she tried ignore my incoming calls. But after I heard this song from my new Ashlee Simpson CD i felt much better. I felt relieved. The lyrics are below for you-Ms Gust-to read. Beacuase I know you have the address to the online journal. This song is exactly what I feel.

SAY GOODBYE
You don't know me/ Like you knew me/ You stopped listening/ The moment that I needed you the most/ You can't see me/ Like you saw me/ Truth comes easy/ But it's hard for you to pull me from the ground/ So I scream, scream cause it hurts/ Your every word/ Cuts me inside and leaves me worse/ There's no way back/ And what if there was/ You'd still be you and/ I'd still need to say goodbye/ Maybe you don't/ Love me/ Like I love you/ Cause the broken in you doesn't make me run/ There is beauty/ In the dark side/ I'm not frightened/ Without it I could never feel the sun/ Nothing will change no matter what you say/ I'm still gonna be the same/ The harder we try, the harder that we fight, can't get it right/

Goodbye...

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

test+anxiety=FAIL

I'm not very good in the math department so its a wonder I figured out the word equation above,lol. Tomorrow I am takin my learners test. Its written. You can only have 3 wrong in order to pass the test. Ive taken it twice. Both times I failed. I honestly think I'll do alright, but Im still scared that once again I'l fail, that my mom will pay only for me to find out that Im an idiot and cant even pass a freakin drivers writting test. *sigh* Wish me luck!!!

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Friends

Tonight I had seen my old friends that i havnt seen in about a month. It took away the lonlees thats for sure. I was so happy tonight hugging them and talking to them and telling them all thats happened. I also saw pyscho advisor. It was a church event if your wondering....I approched her and she hugged me right away. Just what the doctor ordered. We chatted for a bit then she gave me another hug. Another great prescription of just what i needed. lol. I also saw an important person to me that i havnt seen for about...2 months. It was a joke between us for me to always say she was looking good that day. She loved it. Shed thank me then hug me all while laughing. So i told her all that was happening-me getting my learners on wed(hopefully....) going to college in jan(hopefully....)and applying to KFC tomorrow (again...) she was so thrilled and happy and excited for me. She kept hugging me and was all smiles. And she described myself to me perfect to a tee. She said that sometimes i get scared so ill proctrastinate things for a while. i had to laugh b/c its so right!!! We chatted for a while also.
So all in all my night was wonderful. The tears I had shed this morning about not being loved and unimportant are all a waste. I have learnt that even tho I have lost a few people in my life, I always have people waiting for me. Sis Stubbs, Sara, Marco, Sam B, Lyle...the list can go on. Its wonderful! So who cares if I lost one, maybe 2 importnat people to me this month. I still have many may left!!!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

I dont remember what I last wrote. But you all know that teacher that wsa so important to me at one point in my life? I found myself taking down her picture, her card she sent me, the poem she gave me with the nice sticky note she left on my binder. Its funny thinking how you can love someone one minute then trying, praying to forget about them the next. I don't want to go through the painful story now. Or ever again for that matter. Its been rattling around in my head for way too long. And everytime I think about it it hurts me. You're probably confused and I dont blame you. This teacher had told me that she doesnt want anythign to do with me except when its a nice hi in the mall. well i say screw that. if you dont want me, you aint gonna get me. thats the way it is. live with it. This explained all the no letters i was gettin back. Apparently I ws stressing her out. So now i KNOW she got my letters.Which means she got this address to check out my blogs. SO if your readign these i have a message for you.....
Message: im sorry i stressed you out. Im sorry i gave you those letters at the end of the year. Im sorry I loved you. What was i thinking? that an ex student and a teacher coudl be friends? not even close ones...aqquaintes(sp)really....Im sorry for everything. But im not all to blame. Admit it, it was a little immature to just ignore me and think i would go away. If you would have told me long ago at the school like u PROMISED, none of this would have happened. But whatever. so its not my problem. Its yours.

Monday, October 03, 2005

life may seem hard but....ya, its hard

Im guessing all my readers( i do have readers right??lol) are wanting to know what happned with my friend and Justin(the noooote).
Lets start by stating a quote that has made all my desicions for me. Sometimes you need to leave those you love in order to help them.
That's right, u guessed it. I left them. well..my friend anyway. I finally came to the realization that my friend doesn't care about me the way I care about her. She doens't call me on her own. I have to call her. She doesnt inviteme out. I invite her out. And basically I feel like Im beignused. Im her 'best friend' because she doesnt want to be lonely. Thats the only reason shes dating that Rob fellow...... So I have stopped calling her. She's not home anyway so what does it matter. I am no longer going to worry about her. Her problems are her problems. Not mine. I am not going to take all this, because I have to listen to Sandy. I have to obey my feelings and worry abut myself. Its soo hard but I DONT CARE.
Now Justin and the note. 1st off, a mission is when a yougn man (age 19) gets sent to a different part of the world to teach our religion to others. He has to set certian standards so he can go. Now the story. Justin came down and as we were in his car he states" Im not gonna do any serious dating. i want to go on my mission" i said i understood and i wanted him too. But when i went to hold his hand in the parking lot he wouldnt! REJECTION!!! so all night i was thinking that that myletter was pontless b/c i told him that i love him. Well the night came to an end and i took him outside. We talked about morals and so on and I said i wanted him to go on a mission. Because i do. its really important for me. So we discussed this. I gave him the note and he stuck it in his pocket. I cant wait to hear what he had to say about it...if anything.So during all this i noticed he got close. Very close. Too close. Well, yes i wanted to get kissed but i got nervous all of a sudden. I had leaned back as far as i could go(which wasnt very...thanks alot brick wall...)and i had reached out and grabbed th doorhandle. Well we had ended our conversation, which was so nice and peaceful and calm. He hgged me, said bye, i sayd bye then he gently kissed me on the cheek. It was a perfect ending. It was wonderful. I sometimes think he is the one. Who knows tho right? But when he kisses me on the cheek it always feels right. Does anyone get this? I dont get the lightheadedness or the butterflies. I get happy. Really happy. I'll update you later when i find out what happens!!
And i called Ms Gust on Friday night. I wnted to talk to her about my friend, get some good old advice like always. But she wasn't home. Her husband who knows me b/c she always talks about me(i think..) said he would tell her I called. So i called again today and left a message. Hope all goes well!