Monday, August 29, 2005

........uh....ok....

how is it that my mom wanted me to go to a Branch activity sooo bad but now shes trying to persuade me not to go b/c she doesnt want to drive me??? if thats not odd...oir stressful...i dont know what is....meh....whatever

happy again!

i have been in such a good mood lately. its so scary.lol. im listening to abba and elvis. hahaha. so awesome. anyway, my days have been way more happy and ive had alot more fun. cleaned buses again this morning. And as for the church thing, i wont leave. i cant. i love it too much.
Psycho class tomorrow. excited yet nervous. as always. Tonight im going to a branch activity. finally.loll wont pcyho advisor be proud...lol.
i went to my great uncles funeral today. met a really cool 2nd cousin. she kidna punk and for all those that know me im a punk at heart....haha......

gotta go. *dances away*
PEACE OUT

Saturday, August 27, 2005

church??

How do u know when you want to go to church or not? Im mormon and its normal for my family to pray everynight. ok so like...at least 4 times a day. and to read the sccritpres everynight as a family. Its normal to DO things with your family and to go to church every sunday. not b/c u need to but b/c you want to. its also normal to attend weekly activities. We also have certian dress codes. I was born a mormon. and ive always been proud of it. but now that im 18 and i CAN choose i dont know what to do. I love most of the standards-the no swearing, smoking, drug use. the no tatooes thing. but now that i have to attend branch im not so sure. i mean, the people dont talk to me. my definition of a true mormon is they are friendly. do have cliques and they talk to everyone. but nope. not the kids in branch with me. i dont think they're gonna crack. but whatevr. i have to think more about this. its a big desision. *sigh*......

Friday, August 26, 2005

exersice

I was told to start excersing by one of my top 5 favourite people. I dont know if she told me to do that b/c :
1)She thinks im overweight and needs to excerise
2) It will improve my self esteem
3)it will improve my lowsy heart and health conditions
or 4) shes an excersie maniac and is trying to brainwash me into becoming just like her......

So finally after a week or two after she informed me of this i exercised today. For about 30 mins. After i felt good. Good and sweaty.....haha. But i felt energetic, and like i had already made an improvment with my self esteem issues which have been big issues for the past week and half. 2 maybe. now the question is....will i keep this up long enough to make it a habit? or wont i? i guess I'll see when i look in the mirror, wont i?

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

getting payed to have fun.....COOL

Last night i got nooooo sleep whatsoeva. i got like...2 hrs of dozing off...anyway so my sisters(sam and casey) also had a bad night. We were all cleaning school buses this morning-its my temporary job in the summers only because my moms drives a school bus. So we were cleanin the buses and we are all sooooo tired that we got soooo hyper. We were crackin jokes and laughing and sam made up a wicked rap only b/c shes like "i have my wrap upstairs"(meaning she had her sandwich wrap......) and im like "oh..well lets hear it" HAHAHAHA. shes like "........what??" and then we had a good laugh. so sam and casey made up ths wicked rap about our momma and how she spits like a lamba(she doesnt....but it was funny) then sam was bent over tryin to get the gum off the floor that casey and i accidentally??? missed. (haha...oops. ) when all of a sudden she wiggles her butt in this weird way while she was sayin somethng. it was hysterical. we were crackin dumb jokes. Then we got to go home early (YAY!!)only because the mechanics take like...a cigerette break only every 5 mins, therefore leaving one the buses not fixed so we couldnt clean it. So sam was driving us to subway because we had these free token things....and shes all makin fun of drivers who get mad and hit there steering wheel. it was sooooo funny. i died laughing. then she was like...mormon cursing at this one driver in a semi who wasnt driving too well if i must say so myself...and then he waved politly at her and sam laughs, smiles then waves back. then she hits her steering wheel. HILARIOUS!!! *sigh* i think i had too much fun cleaning school buses today. hey...nothing is funner than making money while u joke around!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Xciting...and somewhat sad news.....

ok so this morning i found out that my uncle floyd died. he was nicknamed uncle santa claus because he was big like santa and had a beard. he would always hand out our presents.
anyway on a happy note, you know how i was talkin about that one person who gave me a nonexsisting address? well...i saw her today!!! i was so happy. thrilled even. it was a total surprise.lol. her baby is the cutest baby ive seen in a long time. anyway, so we chatted a bit. i learnt that maybe she doesnt hate me afterall. yay! so anyway later today i went to her house to drop off a letter like i told her i was going to. but instead of going to the nonexsisting house i went to where she lived before.....i asked the man if he knew her and he did. he said he could give the letter to her. i hope so. it didnt have a stamp or a postal code on it....anyway so i figured out that her house isnt non exsistent after all! and now i feel like an idiot ranting and raving to her about if she hates me and blah blah blah. so ya i feel bad Bad BAD about it. and if you ever read this "IM SORRY.It was a missunderstanding" now with that being said.....
this is like...my 1st happy post! YAY. Partay babay! haha. anyway i have nothing else to write.CLUELESS. im hoping she gets my apology note as well.....i just feel so bad about it all.lol.

Monday, August 22, 2005

so i am soooo worried right now. Im at the point where im thinking "how could i do this to myself? How could i really do this to myself??" As much as i want a happy post in this thing, this i need to share. this i need to admit. not to whoevers reading, but to myself. I've gotten into a habit of hitting myself over the head when im mad at myself. I always think whatever happend is my fault. I know its not. But in my head im always saying "its your fault. Its all your fault! stupid stupid stupid!!!" so what do i do? if im so stupid i must not have any brain cells right? Well, when my mom and i got into a fight the other week and i was so mad. at myself. why? For beign dumb-again. So i hit msyelf over the head. Not with my hand like normal but this time with a book. With a thick hard journal. And now im thinking to myself "why did i do that? How could i be so stupid?" I dont know if my hypothisis is right or not. But latey ive been forgetting everything-my phone #, what classes i took last yr in school, who said what 5 mins ago-my eyes go crosseyed and i cant fix it. I have to let them go back on there own. I can pull my arm hair out without it hurting. And the back of my head hurts right now. Do I have cancer? Did i do this to myself? Whats going on? What's happening? Will someone help me? "How could i be so stupid?Its all my fault. stupid stupid stupid!!"

Sunday, August 21, 2005

unknown

Have u ever loved someone so much that when they did something you least expected-that you dont know what to think until u talk to them-you cried without knowing you loved them so much? I went through this the other night. I do not know why she gave me a nonexsisting address. I dont know why she would do that. My heart dropped when I found out. Does she not want to talk to me? Did she hate me? I dont know these things yet. Hopefully i will soon. I had a bad feeling about sending the letter through mail so i went to her house to stick in the mailbox. The house is non exsistent! My heart fell. My heart cried. I cried. I was so sad all night. I dont know what to think of this at the moment. I'll get back to you when i do

Saturday, August 20, 2005

comin back for more

So there's this man right? I fell hard for him. Very hard. He would sing and i would be lifted into happiness. This man seemed to disapear for a while. As that happened I seemed to lose interest in him. I thought maybe this love wasn't going to last after all. But then !!bambo!! he's back. And he's got me in love with him just as much as before. If not more.....I'm not tellin' you all who my secret love is. But all i can say is im Back for More baby!!!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

me for me

Can't people accept me for who i am because of ....who i am!? It's like everybody-EVERYBODY-wants me to be different. Mom wants me to go to school. Liz wants me to move out. Tracy wants me to get my learners permit. Sis. Stubbs wants me to get a job. Psycho advisor wants me to get better. oh....and to give jon that letter. I'm also suppoesed to excercise every night, tell me that I love my myself everynight in the mirror for a mnth, attend *Branch this and Branch that, take an apptitude test even tho I know what i want to do, write what I like about myself in a seperate journal, love myself and realize Im a daughter of God and he loves me too.And it's like even tho Im trying and working on all these things-and i am trying-that it's not good enough. It's like I have to get all this done right now, at this very second. Do they think I can snap my fingers and instantly ill love myself?Or clap my hands once and im moved away and attending college?Its like it doesnt matter what I want. Has anyone here asked me what I want to do?No, they haven't. They tell me what I should do, then make me promise. If i say "no" they gang up on me until i do promise.You'd think if people loved me and cared for me-let alone my feelings-they'd ask me what i want to do, then politly suggest things to help me out. Then they would leave me alone and let me work everything out on my own because everyone knows you can't get what you want by snapping your fingers. Trust me....I've tried.

*Branch-its a church meeting for the single adults. 18-whatever.lol. i dont know. But once u grad usually you go to branch. its really not that bad. but it is if your scared of people and they're crazy minds who always seem to undress your personality by whatever.lol.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

gettin started

I have a habit of asking the family every supper time how there day was. It's usually the same old same old "good" "ok" or in my moms case "*grunt*ok". But when i get to sam, one of my sisters, she says either "peachy keen jelly bean" or my personal fave "Fine and dandy krystal candy" That's where my name originates from. Just thought Id share.....
I SHOULD be printing off resumes right now so i can hand them out tomorrow. Today even. But instead I am here, putting in my first blog. YAY! My mom and i got into a little argument a few days ago about me and my so called future. She says i cant sit on my fat butt all day. She actually said something else but i do not swear. yes yes i choose not to. anyway, so we got into this fight where nothing was accomplished except having my self esteem-which was low on its own before as it is-was ultimitly crushed with my mothers harsh words "due to anger" so she says. In psycho class yesterday I was told that i shouldnt let it get it to me. I said it wouldnt but u guessed it. I lied. It did get to me. too much probably.And now i honestly can say that i feel bad about lieing to her. I mean what did pcycho advisor-who is not psycho in anyway-do to me to make me lie to her? Nothing. Nothing! Ugh. Anyway, so i ended up talkin to my older sister who is currently unemployed and pregnant-it doesnt sound as bad as i made it. ok. so not really...-and we decided that i should get a job. maybe go back to high school and upgrade. Then in winter or whenever i decide, i have to go college or university. my mom is making me. so is my sister. so right now im looking all over the internet for what school i want to go to. So far i like journalism. Im not telling people what school yet because thats the same school Jon is going to. He was....is...was?? a former crush of mine for the past 5 years. So for now, the schools name is under wraps. haha.