Wednesday, October 04, 2006

My Love

My worst fear? That's easy. It's being home and getting a call from the police or having them ring my doorbell to tell me that my husband isn't going to be coming home tonight, he's not going to be coming home at all. He died in a freak car accident or he was shot because somehow he found himself in the middle of a fight, a victim. A murder victim. A dead murder victim.
Before he leaves the house to go anywhere, I always hug him and give him at least 4 kisses. I tell him I love him and I make sure we are'nt mad at each other when we leave the house. I don't want to lose him if Im mad at him.
Everyday I grow more in love with my husband. Watching him cook, witnessing his weird sence of humor as he does SOME sort of dance in the living room, catching him tilt his head in that way of his as he smiles. Watching him laugh. I always grow in love with him. Our life is just getting started and I dont want to lose it so soon.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Am I not me anymore??

Why as soon as i get married do my friends...or "friends" from my point of view.... all of sudden drop me like a hot potato and not invite me to things anymore? It's because they think my life revolves around my husband, that i have to spend every waking day with him. Every minuite of every hour of every day and every month and im going crazy just thinking about it!! I do not want to spend so much time with him!! Sure, i love him to death. Yes he IS my husband and i DID marry him but that doesnt mean i can be...dropped. Forgotten. UNINVITED!
I had one friend say she had to find another best friend now because she cant talk to me about boys now that im married, like i dont know anything about boys anymore or i dont care about them or what she has to say just because shes single.
I had another friend not invite me to her bday party because she said that i would probably be too busy with my husband. Well, get off your lazy BUTT, phone me, and ask me yourself. If im gonna be busy with him ill say"Id love to come but loverboy and i....". But the fact is that im NOT doing anything tomorrow night and i would have loved to come to your bday party because to me you are a friend.
Ive had more people give me lame excuses also due to the fact that i was married....does that make me no fun anymore?? Im i not me anymore just because i got married because im in love?? I dont understand it. I dont understand any of it. And frankly; it hurts my feelings. I suppose i now know who my TRUE friends are......they would be those who still invite me places and treat me like they've always treated me even after i got married.And right about now, I can only count one.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

One ending, One begining

Where shall I begin? For this ending to my life is a new beggining. I am experiencing so many emotions as my wedding day comes closer into my veiw. Im sad to let my room go. To just see all that hard work and pateince i had. Im excited to pack up and leave my mother behind and start a new life in my house, with my food and my husband. Im scared too though, for so many trials are bound to pop up leaving me either stronger than before or weaker than the next.
Today I'll be moving some stuff over to lover boys and packing for tomorrow which I will be decorating the gym and heading up to the hotel(3 hr drive). Friday I am getting married and I will be in a hotel that night and the night after that maybe. Life will never be the same again for on Monday when life slows down and resumes back to normal, i will be a married woman with a new last name, a new home and a new person in my life to which i will want to protect at all times and have him do the same for me. Life will be ending yet life will be begining. It will be one bumpy yet fun ride. Anyone wanna watch?

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Beating Heart

My heart beats faster with everyday that passes, everyday that leaves me closer to making the biggest decision of my life; marriage. A million things run through my mind at once leaving me tired, frusterated, and bitter to the world. Where is my life going? Is marrying lover boy a good desicion or is it one that I am going to regret for the rest of my life? Is it my nerves causing the 2nd thoughts and cold feet? Or is it my intuition saying "get out. Dont do it"?
Everyday I find myself eating alone at the table because lover boy isnt hungry and i am. Everynight I find myself laying in his bed alone while he is watching some sport. Everyday i find myself getting upset at him because he hurt my feelings. Is it because im really sensitive or is it because after we are married he's going to turn into some insensitive prick who pushes me around and doesnt love me at all? Am i getting into something like my mothers old situation? Where the guy is so sweet at 1st then after marraige he feels he has the right to hurt me?
Right now i want to punch a hold in the wall, I want to scream at him, I want to have a raging yelling fight where I run home alone crying. But why? Because it would make it easier to say "Call the wedding off"? It is irrational to think that? IM SO CONFUSED

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Another chapter begins

Do you ever wonder where the time goes? How it can fly by you so fast you dont even realize, yet at times it seems as if the world stopped and you're the only thing moving?
This past month-since my last blog-time has whizzed by so fast I'm afraid that I'm going to fly off the earth never to be seen again.
I've been busy with the wedding expecially with it only being 8 days away. I went camping with my family once more as an unmarried woman. I've been ending work for the summer and trying to find a new one until Sept arrives and I go back to work. I've been busy with my new hobby and obbsession; scrapbooking. Im making a scrapbook for the wedding so im starting off with all my bridal party pictures. I've been trying to cope with the extreme heat and humidity here that my city hasnt seen much of before. My father arrived home 2 days ago from Phillipines. I saw him for the first time today in 2 months. 3 maybe. So yes, Ive been a very busy woman.
But I figured you all would like to read one last post before my wedding, because after that I realize that everything is going to change. My relationship with my sisters will grow stronger because we will have to actually try to get together. I wont be so afraid of my mom to give her attitude and voice my opinion. My relationship with lover boy will also be strengthened(sp). I'll have a hubby and new resonsibilities to uphold. I will no longer live at home aiming to please so much. Everything i have lived by for the past 19 years will be history, and i will be starting a new chapter in my life. Lets hope that chapter is a romantic comedy with a very happy ending.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Falling Apart

29 days. And counting,praying that miracously the heavens will open up and make the days zoom by and hoping that my heart soul and insides dont crumble so much that i do something drastic. I keep telling myself that i can do it, i can withstand my mother. 29 days till i can see freedom, where i can live a life of happiness, where i can voice my opionion and not be scared of the response. Where whatever i do i wont be controled like some people seem to think.
"Where are you going?" my mother asks me as shes doing a clients hair in the kitchen
"To 'Lover boys'. Is that a problem?"I snap back with some attitude suprising myself
"Chillax ok? I realize that you're 19 and you can make your own decisions but there is something I would like to talk to you about"
"If you can fit me into your schedule that would be wonderful" she cuts me off with.
"Ya, fine, Ill be here tonight"
"You're not with 'lover boy?"
"No. You want me here" i snap back
"Well, Im just worried that he's going to control you're life and you are going to be miserable..."yada yada yada, and then she begins. She starts giving me the speech right there in the hallway with her client in the kitchen so she can hear everything, just to make mom look like a good mother. HA! good mother my butt! UGH. She went on about how lover boy is supposedly controling my life, liek she can even talk. my step dad controls mom like a freakin reatred puppy on a 1 inch leash!!Give me a break mother ok?
Needless to say i got mad, upset, sad, and i ran out, slamming the door behind me. I cried all the way to lover boys, then in his arms when he greets me at the door. And inside i am crumbling. I fear going 'home'. Mom is always on my case about everything because shes not happy and because she's jealous of the wonderful man i have seemed to find. If dad was home i woudl move in with him till i got married. I cant stand being at 'home'. Everyday i get ragged on for something new like the problem child i always thought i was.
Tonight i am going to get a leacture about how and why i shouldnt marry lover boy, and all sorts of things. Im going to keep my purse and coat at the front incase i feel the need to run and get out of that horrible place. Wish me luck......

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Crying tears

A slow love song plays all around me while i sit here in silence and slowly cry. Tears of what I dont know. Anger? Hatred? Confusion? I pratically ran to lover boys from home after sneaking out while my mom continued to sew the bridesmaids dresses. Just knowing that my family doesnt want me to spend time with lover boy until we're married because they are jealous hurt me deep inside. Can i do it? Can i survive at home and be happy for 32 more days?
I had gone upstairs to talk to mom again while she sewed the dresses. She starts yackin at me about how i shoudlnt be with lover boy anymore till we are married because my family at home misses me. Ya i see the point but i dont understand it. When i was at home no one payed any attention to me. I was ignored constantly. Everyone else was doin there own thing-homework, reading, gamecube-and i was left to be bored in my room with nothing to do. I thought i was doing everyone a favour by leaving and spending my time here at lover boys. This is where I learn that no one can be happy because now im wanted back. Even during the day i am supposed to stay home because mom might want to do something with me all of a sudden. Like when did that happen? The last thing i remember is always asking her if she wanted to go to the mall to hang out or something when her response was no because she was watching tv, or she had a haircut to do in 2 hours, or she had to drive bus in 3. My sisters are at school and where did that leave me? In my room reading, unhappy and feeling left out. Excluded. Again. All my life i have felt unhappy and excluded and when im at lover boys i dont feel that. I feel like im actually wanted, like there is actually a place for me here. I feel happy and i havnt been able to just sit down, read a book and feel truly happy in a long time. And it feels good. It feels great. And i know exactly what is going to happen when i do spend time at home again; everyone is going to do their regular activities-homework, reading, gamecube, at supper ill be ignored again-and where will that leave me? Laying in my bed staring at the ceiling wondering why i caved in and let mom control my life once again. Hating myself because i cant find the nerve to just talk to her knowing why at the exact same time.
The tears have mostly gone now as i sit here still alone but the pain and hurt and confusion still lies within. The thought of what to do next complexes me. Should i stay here till i need to go to work than go home for supper? or should i take my books and mp3 player and the rest of my stuff and leave to go home, where im supposededy needed? Just thinking of the stress that has been put upon me-to obey my mother and let her control me, or stand up for myself like lover boy is teaching me, plus sypmtoms of PMS-all makes me feel so sick that i could puke. My heart is saying dont leave because the essence of lover boy lingers in the air and i can feel the love thats within this home. I dont want to leave it behind for a month-would you?